The Asbury Orange Conspiracy

Here’s a scenario; you are a male Asbury student on your way to your dorm room in the Johnson building where you live. Outside the building, you stop and notice an orange laying on the sidewalk. This has of course been normal recently to find bits and pieces of oranges strung across the campus. You’ve seen them here and there but something feels particularly odd about this one laying in the very center of the sidewalk. Walking into Johnson, you notice the remains of several more oranges- some stuck to the walls. You stand in the corner of the elevator as to not accidentally step on the oranges lying around. The elevator door opens and you enter the Family Hall to find two giant, sticky splatters stained on the wall next to your door. You have in fact been targeted by the mysterious individual responsible for these encounters.

 

There has been recent discussion among Asbury Students concerning these copious amounts of oranges strung across Asbury University’s campus. As of February 24, the remains of over ten oranges are almost unavoidable to male students returning to their Johnson dorms. Thanks to recent images taken by Asbury students, the locations in which these oranges are being dropped and pelted have been brought to light. Locations of orange splatters, stains, and remains would include Kinlaw Library, outside Hugh’s Auditorium, outside the Student Center, inside and outside the Cafeteria, inside the Johnson lobby, elevator, and halls, and on the streets of Wilmore leaving Asbury to name examples.

 

The scenario mentioned earlier was the actual experience of freshman student Ben Tighe. “The time I came back and there was oranges all over my door and everywhere and there was splatters on the wall and I don’t know why, but it was really funny though,” he said in an interview. Tighe made clear that he was not actually offended by the display and has no interest in getting back at the perpetrator. 

 

Though more students and even some faculty have begun to take notice of the situation, the mystery of those responsible remains hidden to most. Interviews with random students on the street have brought several theories to the table. “I think its a bunch of guys on a sports team just throwing them at each other. I think it’s like a little cult,” said student, Chloe Stivers. She also mentioned, “I know a lot of people who like the oranges, so it is a shame they go to waste.” 

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“I’ve seen people throwing them around. It’s annoying. I think it’s some people in trustees. Maybe someone in underground,” said an anonymous student. “I honestly don’t remember- this is the first time I can notably remember seeing an orange,” said Asher Braughton, showing there are students still fully unaware of the situation. Some other students like freshman Kyle Jasper claimed to have “no comments at this time” when asked about the situation, verifying that the perpetrator is receiving identity protection from colleagues.

 

After notes and tips from specific students including the culprit’s roommate, the individual responsible for the majority of orange attacks was found to be freshman student, Sawyer Hardy. Hardy, who calls himself “The Mandarin Marauder” confirms that all oranges were coming from the cafeteria in a recent interview. “Listen, I began the movement and it’s grown beyond my width. People have taken it into their own hands.” Hardy says those responsible for orange attacks and other fruit activities are coming only from the Johnson building. When asked about other fruit-related fiascos, Hardy said, “I’ve dabbled in apple. We unleashed thirty-two apples on trustees on November 1, 2021. I cannot disclose who’s room or who we were targeting.”

 

One such victim was likely freshman student Kyle Kreutzer who claims at least two students were throwing apples at his window. In an interview, he claimed students Scott Johnson and Logan Edwards have been throwing these fruits. “You can just see the mess that they left,” said Kreutzer. When asked about the situation, Hardy said, “He might have been a bystander who got affected by the situation.”

 

Hardy confirms his team does have a hit list. In addition, he confirms an attack where he “domed the absolute frick out of” freshman student, Ben Davis outside the cafeteria. Hardy additionally denied responsibility for the recent ice cream littering outside of Hughs Auditorium, which has left thick stains. “The real reason is I wanna keep people on their toes and I wanna alert people to the fact that you could get hit by a fruit, whether it’s an apple or an orange anywhere in your life- and people don’t understand that, but they will,” said Hardy. “Just know if you’re walking the streets of Asbury, you are in danger of getting hit by a fruit.”

 

Some backlash against Hardy’s actions resulted in his room being covered in toilet paper. Images of toilet paper were additionally captured hanging off the outside walls of Johnson, in the halls of Johnson, and in the trees next to Kinlaw Library. “My actions previously with the fruits and such may have resulted in the attack against my room, which we will find revenge for,” said Hardy.

 

When asked about what may happen in the upcoming months pertaining to fruit-related attacks, Hardy had several things to say, claiming “It could become more prominent in the future.” He also says, “I can’t say I’m proud because I’m not where I want to be yet. I will own this campus through the power of hate- through oranges.” When asked who he may target next, Hardy said, “I’m dangerous to people who are dangerous to me and also innocent people who have nothing to with me.”

 

Hardy’s message to the whole of Asbury Campus residents is, “Stay Inside.”